Today, I’m going to talk about SEX (and more particularly WHY men lose interest and EXACTLY what to do about it . . .
FIRST, though . . .
If the sex and romance in your relationship has all the passion of a wet paper bag, stop whatever you’re doing and go watch THIS video right now.
It teaches you how to use TINY LITTLE TEXT MESSAGES to make that one special man or woman CRAWL OVER BROKEN GLASS to be with you again. It’s POWERFUL stuff.
Now for the main event (or maybe MAIN EVENTS cuz I’m gonna do a FEW different questions in RAPID FIRE style!)
Paige on my Facebook page asks:
“I have been in basically a sexless marriage for the past 9 years. I’m at my breaking point because I’m tired of begging. I have voiced my concern and he doesn’t seem to care. When is enough enough?”
Ugh. I am so sorry to hear about your horrifyingly-sexless marriage (not to mention the constant feeling of REJECTION you must be going through every time your guy turns you down — been there in the past myself, and there’s nothing that wears away at your feeling of being sexually attractive like having a partner who has as much interest in having sex with you as with having sex with dry toast.)
BUT I’m also really GLAD you wrote in with this question because it gives me a chance to throw a spotlight on a REALLY big problem that doesn’t get enough attention . . .
And that problem is MEN who don’t want to have sex with their women anymore.
See, there’s this absolute sexist (and misogynistic) MYTH out there that WOMEN are the only ones who ever “have a headache” and that the overall sexlessness of American relationships (and relationships around the world) is always WOMEN’S fault.
And I can tell you that is flat out BS.
At least a couple times a week I get emails JUST LIKE YOURS from beautiful, vibrant, SEXY women who’s husbands have become asexual lumps on the couch and who are FRUSTRATED AS HELL at the lack of passion in their lives.
So I guess what I’m saying Paige is . . .
You sure as hell aren’t alone with this predicament AND . . .
It’s completely unfair for your husband to expect you to be sexless for NINE FREAKING YEARS (never mind the rest of your life.)
(Can I even tell you how much I HATE IT when folks with healthy sex drives are told they just need to accept a sexless life because they’re married to folks who simple never get turned on? Total crap. Sex is a GOOD thing and there’s nothing wrong with you for wanting it.)
WHY do men lose interest in having sex with the women in their lives?
Well, it varies WILDLY from case to case and relationship to relationship, but in my experience men lose interest for a few basic reasons (and often a combination of these: It’s rarely just “one thing.”)
1. Familiarity breeds . . . uhh . . . lack of sex.
I don’t want to write a novel on this here, but it’s well established that both men and women lose sexual attraction to their partners over time (which kind of puts a monkey wrench in the whole idea that humans are sexually monogamous creatures or that monogamy is supposed to be “easy.”)
Men in particular seem to have a hard time sexualizing their women after they’ve been together for a “long” time and many folks (both men and women) find themselves in a place where it’s more and more difficult to get “turned on” by their partner (especially if you have kids and have become more “co-parents” than lovers.)
OK, I’m never going to be one of those guys who just says “pornography is bad.” Personally, I think dirty stuff used in MODERATION is totally and completely fine.
The problem is that in 2017 we have EVERY KIND OF PORN IMAGINABLE ON DEMAND and a LOT of guys (especially younger guys, actually) seem to think “professional” sex that they see on the internet is what sex is ACTUALLY supposed to be like and can make them prefer the dirty “fantasy” life to an actual living and breathing woman right in front of them.
3. Hormones or other health issues.
I don’t know hold old your guy is, but if it’s been 9 years since you had sex I’m willing to bet he’s at least over 40. At that age (I’m approaching that age myself) testosterone levels in guys can plummet. And if he’s got diabetes or anything like that it can have a catastrophic impact on a man’s sex drive.
ANYWAY, THOUGH no matter what the reason is there’s ONE THING you said in your email that makes me want to tell you to GET OUT of that marriage. Do you know what it is?
Add in the fact that guys are taught that we’re “supposed” to want sex ALL THE TIME and if we don’t there’s something “wrong” with us and it leads to a lot of ASHAMED guys hiding in the closet with their computers and avoiding their wives. Which is lame.
Now, Let’s Actually Answer Your Question:
You asked “When is enough, enough?”
And here’s a really simple answer:
Enough is enough when your guy shows that he doesn’t CARE about your sexual satisfaction.
See, the thing with monogamy is that it’s both a PROMISE and a RESPONSIBILITY.
When you enter into a monogamous relationship you make a PROMISE that you won’t have sex (or, theoretically emotional entanglements) with ANYBODY else but your spouse . . .
BUT you’re ALSO taking a HUGE responsibility and that responsibility is to be 100% responsible for making sure your spouse is sexually satisfied.
It’s totally fine that your husband doesn’t have much of a sex drive (or at least doesn’t have a sex drive aimed at you) — he can’t really “control” that . . .
But the fact that he seemingly doesn’t even CARE that YOU want to be having sex and that he is depriving you of what he made a PROMISE to provide for you makes every hair on my extremely-hairy-chest stand up with RAGE.
If your guy was accepting of the fact that his lack of desire for you is a PROBLEM in your marriage and was actually taking steps to try to figure things out (going to the doctor; couples counseling or any one of a thousand other things) I’d say you should stick around (OK, if it had been a year or two I’d say that. But NINE? SHEESH! A WOMAN HAS NEEDS!)
But his absolute APATHY in the face of your need is . . . well, it’s kind of disgusting.
If I could go back in time and give you advice I’d tell you “enough was enough” the VERY FIRST TIME he didn’t seem to care about what YOU want and made you feel like YOUR sex drive was the “problem.”
So You’ve Really Just Got Two Options (And Both Of Them Are Tough) . . .
- If you’re DONE with this guy (and he really doesn’t sound like a great husband) then you should end this relationship as soon as you can. Nobody is getting any younger and you have a RIGHT to pursue an actually HAPPY and PASSIONATE relationship. If he’s not willing to do that there is NOTHING WRONG AT ALL with you deciding you want out of this marriage.
2. If there’s things about your marriage you still value, you can “open” your relationship.
OK, OK, I know a WHOLE bunch of women just felt NAUSEA and DISGUST at the VERY IDEA of something besides absolute monogamy . . .
BUT, if you want to keep your marriage and keep the companionship and life you’ve built together there is NOTHING WRONG AT ALL with you going to your husband and saying “Honey, I love you. I love being your wife. But you don’t seem to be interested in having sex with me anymore and I’m sick of begging and living a life without sex. I’d like to talk about how I can get my sexual needs met while still maintaining the relationship we have.”
If sex really isn’t “important” to your guy then it shouldn’t be a “big deal” for him to sign off on you having an outside lover. (Of course “Shouldn’t be” is a far cry from “isn’t.” He’ll probably react really badly at first.)
Either way, just bringing up the topic should cause a REACTION in your guy and show him he’s actually in danger of losing you. If he FREAKS OUT and is MEAN to you (or calls you names) then you know HIS hang ups around sex are HUGE PROBLEMS and you’re better off without him.
So there you go. Neither is a great option, but I can feel your frustration bleeding through the internet and I hate the idea of you having to suffer like this for years or decades to come.