Hey, it’s Mike Fiore (founder of Digital Romance, Inc. and bald-headed advice-giving machine) here with another Ask Mike . . .
What the heck is “Ask Mike?” It’s my series of Q&A articles where I answer YOUR questions about love, sex relationships, proper pet maintenance, video games, how to look manly when you’re balding, and pretty much anything else you want to ask. (Though your odds of getting an answer go way the heck up if your question has something to do with love and sex.)
If you’ve got a question you want answered in a future edition (or on our podcast) just send it firstname.lastname@example.org Keep it as concise as you can and make the effort to use proper spelling and something-close-to-English grammar.
OK, here we go!
Why Women Go Back To Men Who Are Bad For Them
Tuli asks . . .
“Hey mike. I’m 24 and had a break up 5 years ago with my boyfriend who was also my best friend. After that I tried to move on many times but always when I’m like over him something always bring me back to him and I get confused all over again. What is it? And what should i do?”
Thanks for your question. It’s refreshing getting something from somebody so young and relatively unsullied by the absolute horror of dating and trying to find “true love” in the modern world.
Your question is short (which is cool.) And lacks detail about what your relationship with your ex was actually like (Was it good? Was it awful? Was it all about the sex? Did you guys get dressed up in matching Pikachu costumes and go to Comicon?)
I also don’t know WHY you broke up or WHICH one of you actually did the breaking up, so I’m going to have to cover a few bases.
4 Possible Reasons You Find Yourself Magnetically Drawn To Your Ex (Even Though All You Want Is To Let Him Go And Move On)
Reason 1: The Rejection Boomerang
Here’s a question:
What’s the best way to get a dog to come to you?
Most folks try to call a dog by hunching down, sticking a hand out and saying the dog’s name in a sweet voice that even babies would find saccharine . . .
And you know what? Sometimes this works (especially if it’s a dog who knows and likes you or if you happen to smell like bacon) . . .
But a lot of times instead of coming to you, a dog will look at you, look at the way you’re facing and then go THAT way instead of coming to you (even when you start shouting in desperation.)
Nope, dog trainers know that the best way to get a dog to come to you is actually to face away from the dog and call the dog while you’re actually walking away. As you walk away the dog feels an overwhelming need to follow . . . to not be left alone . . . to not be “rejected” in some way. (I may be reaching here a bit with this metaphor but you get it.)
What does this have to do with why you’re drawn to your ex?
You didn’t mention how your relationship with your ex ended, but often times the real reason we feel such a desperate attraction and need for our ex is because of what I call the “Rejection Boomerang.”
See, when someone breaks up with you (or when you break up with someone because you feel like they aren’t stepping up in the way you want them to) the feeling of rejection can be absolutely crushing.
After all, when somebody breaks up with you (or “makes” you break up with them) they may be trying to say “You’re awesome but we’re just not right for each other.”
But in the emotionally devastating stew of a break up it’s really, really easy for that dark part of your mind to go on a rant saying things like “I’m not good enough for him. There’s something wrong with me. He just wants to sleep with other girls,” etc. etc.
EVEN WORSE when you’ve been rejected by someone it’s very, very easy to put them on a pedestal and take all the “blame” for a breakup on yourself . . .
All of which causes you to “boomerang” back towards your ex because subconsciously you know that if you can get him to want you again and commit to you again it means you’re valuable and attractive and worth something in a way you just don’t feel right now.
Of course if you DID get him back a lot of the attraction you feel towards him would fade like dew on a morning flower. Once you know you CAN have him back it’s really easy to forget why you wanted him back in the first place.
Reason 2: Intensity Addiction (Drama Rama)
I see this one all the time (and you probably do too): The couple who’s very obviously awful for each other but just won’t break up no matter what. They get in fights at parties. They have REALLY DRAMATIC conversations in public on Facebook. They break up and get back together and break up and get back together and have AWESOME make up sex that leaves them both giddy and sore and walking like pirates.
This kind of relationship works really well for a Telenovela but makes for a HORRIBLE relationship in the long term. Passion in a relationship is a wonderful (and sexy) thing, but there’s such a thing as good passion and bad passion. And fighting and dragging each other over the coals is definitely the bad kind.
If you had a “high intensity” relationship with your ex, you could be mentally and even physically addicted to that drama or, worse yet, you could fall into the trap of thinking anything you have with another guy isn’t “love” unless it involves constant rafter-destroying sex and midnight screaming matches at the supermarket.
Either way, the INTENSITY of a volatile relationship can pretty easily be mistaken for connection and love when it’s really nothing of the kind.
Reason 3: What Does “Love” Mean To Your Subconscious Mind?
This kind of rolls naturally from intensity addiction, but it could be that your ex gave you something your unconscious mind “thinks” is love even though it isn’t true romantic (and adult) love at all.
This is a complicated topic that would take a bajillion words to really unpack, but the short version is that what we personally define as “Love” is established in our minds and our hearts when we’re kids . . .
And it’s VERY easy for our little minds to pollute what “Love” is and what it means to “Be loved” with a pulsing vicious cloud of messed up emotions based on the damage and personalities of your parents.
If your Mom or Dad were extremely critical of you, you may find yourself unconsciously drawn to men who will criticize you because “Love” was mixed up with criticism when you were a kid. (I had this exact problem and it took me years to be able to be with a woman who wouldn’t tear me down.)
If you had a parent who was emotionally distant, you may be unconsciously programmed to seek out men who are closed off because that’s what you imprinted on at a young age.
If your parents were constantly screaming at each other, you may think something isn’t “real” love unless it’s emotionally violent.
All of which leads to the idea that your ex was giving you something other men just don’t seem to be able to (even if it’s something toxic and awful.)
And of course there’s our fourth reason . . .
Reason 4: Maybe You Guys Are Good For Each Other?
(Again, I don’t know the details of why you broke up, but it is certainly possible that you’re drawn to him because there’s something good and powerful there. But from the tone of your question I find it pretty doubtful.
So Here’s What You Should Do…
(Note: I provide worksheets and guidance on all this and much more in my “Text Your Ex Back” program. TXB has a metric ton of success stories with men and women using the program to get their ex back. But it also has a tremendous number of testimonials from men and women who used the program to realize they didn’t want their ex back after all. You can watch a video talking about the program by going here.
Step 1: Figure Out The REAL Reason You Broke Up With Him (Or He Broke Up With You)
This can actually be harder than you think. It’s human nature to “soften the blow” during a breakup, so the reason you were told it was over isn’t a great barometer. Instead you need to really take the time to think back and remember the BAD days of your relationship. What did it feel like? What was causing you to be unhappy enough to want out?
You may want to ask some of your friends to weigh in on this and remind you of how bad things got.
I recommend actually writing down on a pad of paper or your laptop in detail exactly why your relationship had to end.
Step 2: What Emotions Do You Feel When You Think Of Your Ex?
You say you’re drawn to him, but what does that mean? Does thinking about him make you feel happy? Or does it make you feel a low and horrible ache? When you think of him do you feel like you “miss” him for who he is, or are you just experiencing pain because he didn’t want you or didn’t step up to be the man you wanted him to be?
Step 3: Open Up Or Find Closure
Finally, you need to make a conscious choice about whether you want this man in your life or not. Right now you’re letting your emotions drive and sabotage good relationships you could have with another man. You need to sit down, work through your emotions and thoughts around this relationship and make a choice about whether this is a guy who’s good for you and could have a great relationship with you . . .
Or if you’re just holding on for some of the negative reasons above.
If you decide you want to give it another shot with him, that’s great. But do so with your eyes open and knowing why you broke up in the first place.
If you decide he’s toxic to you in some way it’s time to put these feelings to bed. That means doing the work to understand why you are drawn to him and setting up systems in your life to help you come back to rationality when you feel compelled to be with him. (One great way to do this is to write yourself a letter explaining all the reasons you shouldn’t be with him AND explaining why you feel drawn to him even though he’s bad for you. When you feel like you want him, read the letter. A lot.)
If you decide you’re done playing this game you need to go “No Contact” with this guy for at least a year.
No matter what, I recommend you check out my “Text Your Ex Back” program. Like I said, it’s helped tens-of-thousands of couples get back together and create a relationship that truly works.
But it’s also helped tons of men and women get incredibly clear about WHY a relationship ended (and why that’s a really good thing) . . .
And how to let go and create a NEW relationship that’s healthy, sexy and not plagued by drama.
You can check it out by watching this special video I made for you:
And that’s it for today.
P.S. Here’s the link to the video again.
Go watch it and decide for yourself if it’s for you.