I Thought I Knew How To Text a Man, I Was WRONG

Relationship Coach Alyssa Dyksterhouse looks at the probable reasons your guy isn’t returning your texts and offers some ways to improve your texting skills for the better.

We’ve all been there.

You’re out with friends, trying to have a good time, trying to forget…
Frantically checking your phone. Every time you look at it, you pray the message icon will magically appear.  Wondering what he’s doing that is so much more important than taking 5 seconds to respond to your text? Did you say the wrong thing? Was your tone off? Did you come on too strong? Did you appear too eager? Did your teasing sound like scolding? Why won’t he just answer already?!?!

Before you pick up your phone and send another message to chase the others into the black hole of miscommunication – take a few minutes and watch this video.

There are three reasons men don’t usually text back right away. 

1.  Too Much Information

I really wish I had learned this one so much sooner.  During a recent break-up, my ex told me, “The sheer volume you communicate overwhelms me.”  Not only were my messages the cyber equivalent of War and Peace but I sent them constantly. I barely let him have time to read one text before I drafted my next novel and express delivered it to his phone.  I was trying in vain to use texting to make us more connected. To share something of myself and have lengthy conversations. Sadly, my efforts to feel connected pushed him away and shut him down because a lot of men tend to be single focused. It’s not that they don’t care, but they can’t always take the time to stop what they are doing and process a bunch of information taking over their phone, likely with deeply emotional context, while also DOING OTHER THINGS.

2.  Tone Tone Tone

Have you ever heard the expression “It’s not what you say, but how you say it?”
This is even more true when you have no inflection to listen for, like in say, texts for example… When you are writing in short missives and need to get intention and feeling across, try not using periods. Periods can make the texter seem cross or angry when they follow one or two word sentences or phrases. Another tone that usually feels like a weight around a guy’s neck is the needy sounding text. We think if we send something that conveys, “Hey I need to hear from you,” he will immediately respond. He might. But the more often you do it, the less often he will want to respond quickly.

3. Why run a race he can’t win?

Texting is already an unsteady medium for conversation. If your texts are constantly making him feel like he’s losing, why would he continue playing? Do you assume every time he doesn’t respond that he’s doing it intentionally? Do you come across as constantly needy? Do you assume his short responses to be laden with tone? If so, why would he want to keep texting you? Seriously. No person wants to feel like they are doing all the wrong things all the time. And men especially tend to to give up when they don’t understand the subtleties of what they are doing wrong.

So what can you do?

– Keep your texts short and to the point. Better to send him a few well chosen words and open a dialogue than to flood him with information.

– A simple text showing appreciation works wonders and makes him want to respond. Men crave our respect but don’t want to feel like responding to you is another item on their to-do list.

– Try engaging instead of demanding, needing, or manipulating a man. Make texts engaging by teasing, flirting, or appreciating him instead. 

The bottom line is, just like your in-person relationship, your texting relationship can only give you what you put in. It’s not simple – how could it be when you combine technological communication with the already difficult-to-navigate emotional landscape of relationships? But it can be easier…


At the beginning of this article I told you about a video.   I don’t care what you are doing, I want you to go watch this video right now.




Because unlike many things in life, winning at texting is something that CAN be taught. You can learn to engage him. You can learn just the right words to say to make him drop everything and text you back immediately without manipulating or tricking him. You can learn to spark new levels of romance in your relationship THROUGH texting.

To have him thinking about you all day long.

And to feel a level of connection with him that you never thought was possible.

Watch this free presentation to ‘up your texting game’ to a new level today.


Alyssa Dyksterhouse

P.S.  Click on this link to take control of his mind.

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